How to Milk an Agitated Cow

Well, you just don't. Sorry if you were looking for some answers.

Maribelle lumbered into our already-insane life today. I'm not posting pictures of her because she values her privacy. And she's already uptight enough.

She got to our place late this afternoon and we gave her a few hours to become acclimated. At 9 pm, we got out the hot soapy water to wipe her teats, Bag Balm to lubricate them, a stock pot to milk into, and two overturned five-gallon buckets upon which to perch. Oldest Boy and I hunkered over, with me explaining how best to milk: Allow the milk to fill the teat, squeeze the top to keep the milk from flowing upward, and then squeeze the lower part to make the milk come out of the teat.

Squeeze. Squirt. Squeeze. Squirt.

So far, so good. We were in the groove, the milk was flowing and we were both feeling pretty cocky and farmer-like. 

Until Mister shooed Hamburger (a not-long-for-this-life heifer) away and startled Maribelle in the process. Which made her swing her HUGEness toward Oldest Boy, who – thankfully – sprang up in time to avoid being crushed by 1200 pounds of freaked out Jersey.

(I'm not posting pics, again due to privacy, but pictures of people milking cows are readily available. Add massive sweat rings to the people. Add a pissed-off expression on the cow.)

We gave her an  hour to chill out, then tried again. Oldest Boy was a little nervous, so Mister took over. Again, we hunkered down, Maribelle stepped on Mister's foot which made him twitch, which made her freak. Again, we got her settled, hunkered down, and she whipped her tail into Mister's eyeball. Who reacted accordingly. And she got crabby again.

We are going to try again at around midnight. By then she should be engorged enough to really hate us.